The story

Thoughts. So many thoughts. She didnt really know why there were so many thoughts in her mind. She looked out over the ocean, it was so calm today. She could see some fishes jumping out there. The sun was about to go down, and the colors were so beautiful. She put her head in her hand, just starring at the ocean and the beautiful reddish color from the setting sun. A ship was passing far far out. She could hardly see it, and she started thinking about the people on board that boat. Did they have fun? Did they see the setting sun? Did they maybe have a drink on the deck, while watching the sunset? Were there lovers on board? Did they sit close together, holding hands?

A deep sigh came from her lips, as she dried away a lonely tear falling from her eye. She felt so lonely. Why did she have to sit there, all alone, when everyone else had a boyfriend? If she only had someone who could be close to her.

She shook her head, and another thought came to mind. What if it was so, that she would be alone all her life, would that really be so wrong? At least she could do as the characters in that series, "Sex and the city".....She smiled, a bitter smile. She was not like that. One-night-stands was not for her. She had more selfrespect than that. How could she just have sex, and not love the person? No...

She remembered her last love. The one who wanted to be hers. What happened really? Was she the one ruining it? Was she the one making it all wrong? She was thinking about that for so long, until she finally gave up. Her life was to be the lonely one, she knew that now.

The sun was almost lost in the ocean. It was getting darker, and she knew she had to get up, go back home, do some dishes, feed the cats..And then maybe watch some TV. All to keep the lonely feelings at bay....

But it was so nice just sitting there, thinking about whatever. Life. Love. Watch the sun set in the water. Wonder if the sun stop burning when it hit the water? What if it did? How would it come up the next day? She looked up to the sky, and there, she could see the moon. She lay down on her back, looking up at the sky. Some clouds passed by, and she tried to see what they looked like. She used to do that as a child. On her back in the grass, looking up at the clouds, trying to figure out the shape of them. She used to love that. So calm, and quiet.

Why did her grandma have to die? Why did she have to leave her behind? Oh, she remembered the times when she used to be there. Grandma and grandpa in the kitchen, grandpa on the tiny sofa, having a nap. Grandma and her singing and talking, while grandma brushed her hair. Grandma always talked about so many things. Love, friendship, animals, old times. She used to love that time. Grandma talked about when she was young, when she met grandpa, when the kids were born. She talked about the way they used to wash their clothes inside in the basement, boiling it there, then take it the river to flush it to get the soap out. In wintertime, when the ice was there, it was so cold, the fingers were totally red, and so frosen. Grandma and grandpa had 8 kids. Lots of clothes to wash. They lived with grandpa`s parents, and also had the postoffice there at that time. Oh, she remember how grandma could teach her to spin the wheel, make yarn, and also how to knit....

As she layed there thinking back, she could feel it was getting colder, and the sun was gone. She sighed again, got up, and started to walk home.  She was looking down, at all the beautiful little flowers there. She was very careful not to step on any of them, because flowers had a life too. And she remembered the stories about tiny fairies living there....So she always watched where her feet hit the ground, just in case..Maybe they WERE living there? Maybe there are fairies all over, like the "little people" grandma and grandpa used to tell about....

Grandma used to tell about the little people, those who lived "underground". They used to live in the houses up on the mountains, where farmers used to take their animals during summertime. During winter those houses was always empty, and the little people used to move in there. They kept the houses nice during winter, they said. And when summer came, and the people came back with their animals, they had to knock the door, and ask if it was ok they moved back in. They never moved in before they had knocked, to show respect for the undergorund people. If they didnt show respect, they could find that the animals would be sick and even die. And the food would go bad. All bad things could happen....so they always had to show respect for the little people.

Grandpa also told about HULDRA. She was one beautiful girl, long long blond hair, but with the cows tail. Noone could see that, because she always wore a long skirt, and she used to make the boys and men walking in the woods, fall in love with her. If they didnt see that cows tail, they may be fooled to follow her into the mountain. If they did, they would never get out again, they were locked up there, and noone would ever see them again. But if they saw that tail, she would have to leave them. Grandpa also told about one man who had seen her for real. But, maybe that too was just a story, and nothing more..

She stopped, looking down, watching a couple of ants walking with a big leaf. It was like the leaf walked itself, the ants were so small. She studied the leaf, "walking" with the support of two tiny ants. She wondered, did the leaf fall of the tree by itself, or was it taken down by someone? Did the leaf feel pain when taken off the tree? Did it feel sad? And now, being carried by ants, was it scared? Did it feel anything at all? The ants. Was the leaf heavy for them to carry? Why did they carry it in the first place? Did they need it for something? Or was it just for the fun of it they carried it along? She looked up, straight ahead, wondering why she was having all those questions in her head.

She started walking again. Not long till she was home now. She could see the little house, white and very small, but big enaugh for her and the cats. It had two small bedrooms, one kitchen with all she needed, a livingroom and a bathroom. Outside was a white fence around a tiny garden. The little gate was small enaugh to look pretty, and big enaugh for her to open up and let two people in at a time. The little stony road from the gate to the door was neat and clean. Beside it was flowers, both sides. Just a tiny opening on both sides to get into the garden. She had not a big garden, but she had managed to put a little table, and two chairs under a tiny roof. She made that herself. She wanted to sit outside even during rain, so she made a tiny roof. She could take that roof, and put it away when she didnt need it. On the table was a flowerpot. She loved flowers, so they were all over.

The white door had a black doornob. She was in a black and white mood when she bought the house, and painted all black, and white. Well, not inside off course, but outside. She opened the door and went inside. The tiny hallway was white. She had painted the floor black, a nice contrast to all the white. She took her shoes off, and went into the kitchen, and put the kettle on. She wanted a hot cup of tea. She looked out the kitchenwindow, while waiting for the water to boil. It was getting darker. But never all dark, not in summertime. She liked the summertime, allthough winter were more HER time of year. Turning around to take the kettle of, she saw one of the cats walking across the floor. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "miaooo", the cat answered. She smiled, and got some catfood down to him. He purred, she had a stroke on her leg, and he started eating.

She took the teacup with her to the livingroom. Stopped at the door, just looking inside. The TV in the corner, with plants around it to keep the dust away. The sofa, and the little coffetable. The big yucca beside the sofa,and the shelfs on the wall. She loved to read, so there was alot of books there. On the coffeetable was a couple of magazines, and a laptop. Yeah, she needed that laptop. She was online now and again, just to chat, or write some poems, or find pictures she could write on. She really liked the ones she took with her own camera better. She could get a poem out of a picture she took. Just to get her feelings out.

After looking for the TV-guide, she sat down on the sofa, put the teacup on the table, and checked the TV-guide. Was there something on today? No, not really. She got up, put some nice music on and sat down again. She might as well use this evening to think about the "good old times"..

She really wanted to remember things that had passed long long time ago, the time from she was a baby. She could remember a few things, but most of it was gone. What about when she was living in that little cabin in the woods? Oh yes. A few good things poped up. She didnt remember the accident. She could only remember what her mother had told her about it. And the years before? They were gone, erased from her memory, totally. Her mom had told her about that day, when the accident happened. She was around 5 years old. She was going to her friend, the son of a lady she always called "aunt". The son was her age, so they used to play together. To get to him, she had to cross the road. This day something happened. She was hit by a big truck. The driver was crushed, she was told. She was picked by an ambulance, and taken to the hospital. The "aunt" gave her mom the news.The doctor didnt know if she would survive, there was big damage to her head, and they thought she would die. Her mom and the "aunt" gathered people to pray for her.

She remember waking up once, and there was a man beside her bed. She asked for water, and the man stood up and left the room, and she was gone. Next she remember is being in a room where a boy was in the other bed. She had got a tiny car, and that boy wanted a car just like hers.

Next thing, she was in a room filled with kids, and she was the only one who didnt have visitors. All the other kids had. Not her. Her mom told her later it was because she cried so much when they had to leave, they were not allowed to come see her. She remember envying  the other kids. And she also remember having two little dolls, a doctor and a nurse. Wonder where they went.....

When she came back home, they had put the dog to sleep, because they were scared he would be angry, and maybe bite. She dont even remember the dog....How was the dog? Was he an angry one usually? Why did the have to kill it if it wasnt?

That christmas is the first she remember for real. The morning of christmas, the tree with all the lights and decorations, the gifts under it. And that night, when someone knocked on the door, and her stepdad went out, and came back in and said Santa had been there, and there was a gift for her there. She ran out, found the big gift, and opened it. Heaven!!! It was a big doll, and it could even WALK! She loved that doll, but that too dissapeared...She was thinking about that doll, it was given to her by the man who had hit her. He felt soo bad, and wanted to show he never meant to hit her. She never blamed him when she grew up and was told. Ever. She had just jumped out into the road that day.

Her stepdad took her to see him once, and say thank you for the doll. She know, but she cant remember that either. This mans wife was a nurse at the hospital, so she knew all the time what happened, and how she was, so she could keep him updated. Thats how he knew when she was back home, and how she was....

They moved from that little cottage, to a house with two floors....She had her own room, and her siblings had a room together. Why did she have her own room, and didnt share with any of the siblings? Was there a reason for that?

Her mom told her stories she couldnt remember, like the day she was doing her homework, and her mom was sitting knitting. Her mom told her that her stepdad came in with scissors, telling them he was going to kill them. Her mom told her she had said:"run, run as fast as you can"...She didnt remember anything of that. She remember her mom being picked up by the ambulance, but was that the same day?

She remember a winter, when she did what all kids do, try to lick the fence, and the tongue was stuck. Lukewarm water made the tongue let go, but she never did that again. "Guess that pain made me learn about that thing", she thought, smiling at the memory. She thought about all the christmas`s she couldnt remember. All those birthdays, she was sure there had been some celebration, but she couldnt remember....

ONE independence day she remember from there. Just one. They moved from there when she was 9 years old. New place, new part of the country, new school, new way of talking, new people, and new life, since mom and stepdad got a divorce right after. She wanted to start talking like the kids there did, and managed in a way, but still had problems at school. Oh she remember so well, that gang of girls who hated her. They bullied her so bad, hit her, followed her, threw snowballs with stones in them...pulled her long hair, oh yes. It was hell those first months. But one day one of the boys in her class stoped her, and asked her to wait a little. And then he followed her out, and stoped the bullying. She remember that boy still. He became a good friend. And she still care very much for him. "Wow, I havent seen him for so many years" she thought. "Wonder how he is now".....

School was ok. Kind of her free space in life. Now her memory start coming up a little..not much..but little. Some little things. Like that first christmas. When they had the rice porrige, and her brother found that little nut, and got the prize. And when they saw the prize, they KNEW he was to have the nut, and that was NOT fair. The prize was a tiny airplane, and the girls thought it was horrible to know he was the one who was planned to get that nut, and they got mad. The nut should go to the LUCKY one, and not be put to someones plate! And to top it off, the girls had to do the dishes before they could open the gifts after dinner. And even more: They had to do it twice before their mom was happy. But then they got to open the presents.

She also remember going out for a walk that night, all alone.

She sat there thinking, thinking about the things happening all that time. The house they lived in. The people coming for a visit. The babysitter they had once. The other man who she never remember who was. That one who her mom said was a friend of hers, and who got to sleep in HER bed that night. How she woke up feeling pain. How the man dissapeared. She never saw him again.  She thought about that man. What was it with that man, and why did he do what he did? The pain she still remember, because it was a weird pain, not the pain she had felt before, so many years ago. So what happened?

She knew what had happened, and still she put it away, far away, in the far back of her mind. She didnt want to think about that. Not at all. She shook her head, and looked out the window. Why did that memory come up? She tried to remember the look of that man, but it was gone. No memory at all. She did ask her mother who he was, and her mother said she didnt remember. She was sure her mom did remember, and knew who he was, and maybe she even had a relationship with him?

And then, the night they had a babysitter. The fiance of the sister of her stepdad, the NEW stepdad. HE was a wonderful man, the stepdad. But that fiance of his sister`s? NO. She felt sick all of a sudden, thinking back on that evening. A single tear fell down from her eye, as she tried to get away from that memory. It was nothing to remember. She stood up, and went to the kitchen, wanted new hot water, a new cup of tea. Her heart was beating so fast. Why did that one come up? She couldnt remember the face of that man, even though she was there at the wedding, and saw him later on. She still felt sick thinking about that man.

The water boiled, and she made a new cup of tea. The cat came in, as if to say he wanted to go outside. She opened the door, and the cat ran outside. She stood there in the doorway, looking out at the big moon. Clouds came slowly past, hiding the face of the moon, and then it was like a tag-game between the moon and the clouds.. It was cold, she closed the door and went back inside.

Summertime was great. She remembered the good times. And one special bad. Why couldnt all memories just come to her, so she could get them all out, and away? So that whatever is there, will dissapear? Can one do that, she asked herself...

Summer. Party. Drinking. She was a girl who did a lot of drinking. Maybe to get away from the bad feelings, and feel good for a while? Oh, she remembered that one time, the day she and her friend went to this party in the woods. Her aunt and uncle was living not so far from there, so she went there to get to the toilet. She never was one who wanted to do her stuff outside. She hated that, scared someone could see her. So she went to the uncle`s house, and when done, she walked back. Her uncle came after her, asking her to get into his car, so he could drive her home to her mother. She refused, she was allready a little drunk, and wanted to feel free, not go back to her mom. If she had only gone with her uncle that night.

An hour or so later, her friend came crying to her, telling her she had been raped. She wanted her to go to the police, but her friend refused, and went with another boy. She found out she wanted to go. She didnt want to stay there when her friend was gone. So she started walking, and while walking, she found out that this life was not good, she wanted to die. Very drunk, she lay down in the middle of the road. 14 years old, and wanted to die.

Her "luck". The first car showed up, was her stepdad. He put her in the car, and drove home. To his place. To his bedroom.

The next day she went to her friend, and asked her mom where she was. She hadnt come home the night before. She told the friends mom and dad what had happened to her friend, and then went with her friends dad to where her friend worked. She had a summerjob. When they came there, she went inside to get her friend, and told her that her dad was outside, and that she  had told him everything. Police next. The guy was arrested, and life went on.

So much drinking, and still so little bad things happening when they were out.
Was that why they always was going out, drinking? She did remember ONE time though. 


They were in town, and went to the island on the other side of the water. No roads at that time, so they needed to take the ferry. Oh, it was ok, it didnt take that long, so they was over even before they could notice it. 
She smiled of that memory. But then got serious again. Because the memory didnt last as good as it started. 


They went up to a friend, and while there, started drinking. Moonshine and lemon-soda. Oh yeah. She remembered that. It didnt taste that bad, and she drank down almost the entire bottle.She still felt fine. Didnt feel anything. Just as sober as when she started drinking.


They left the house, wanted to go back to town. On the docks, they started a conversation with a young boy. Talking about his birthday the week after, and how they promised to come by with  a present. 


The ferry came. She remember seeing it. And then the alcohol hit. No rememberance of going on board, nothing was remembered after that. Her friend told her they had carried her around town. She was so out of it, she never managed to remember how she got home, what had happened, nothing.


And yet, they went to the boy who had the birthday. She remembered that. 


She looked out the window. So dark outside. And she was so tired. But the memories just came pouring in. Like all was coming for her to remember, everything. Allways.